The 13 Worst Fantasy Boyfriends To Spend Valentine’s Day With

Fantasy fiction is full of men who might be appealing, yet wouldn't make good partners. But we know the heart wants what the heart wants. If any of these eligible fantasy men is your trash fave, please let us know why on social media. Happy Valentine’s Day!

romantic vampire movies — Photo Credit: Summit Entertainment

I am still not over the part in the books where Edward breaks Bella’s car to keep her from visiting Jacob. Plus, this is a man who’s got a century’s worth of cash, he’s indestructible, and what kind of super-cool sports car does he buy for himself? A Volvo.

Edward is a dazzling, mind-reading creature of the night, and he’s still missing the panache that being a vampire should entitle him to. Maybe the next time he re-takes high school he should sign up for drama club.

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the witcher shows like game of thrones — Photo Credit: Netflix

Sure, it’s very hot to have a guy slice up huge monsters with a gleaming sword, and yes, Geralt has a chin that could chisel marble. However. Can you say attachment issues?

This is the man who renames each horse he owns “Roach” so he can pretend it’s the same steed every time he outlives the old one. Unless you’re also immortal, this dude’s gonna outlive you too. And you can bet when you die he’s going to find someone with your same name and carry on the charade. Unless you’re already one in a long line of exes carrying on Geralt’s game of house.

I’m just saying, the horse thing, big red flag.

Zuko is hot in the way that you want to fix him, but you’ll probably just make him worse. We love our angsty bad boys with dad issues, but this guy’s also got mom issues on top of the dad issues.

That’s a big mess of do-not-touch until he’s had a year of therapy under his belt, at least. And I don’t know if the Avatar world has therapy. There’s only so much that soothing mugs of jasmine tea can cure, you know?

I know, there is something paradoxically appealing about a man who is always hidden. And yes, any revelation of Din’s beautiful face and brown eyes sends my heart a-flutter, too. But listen, life in that cramped spaceship? Always on the run from Imperial troops? Chased by other bounty hunters?

I’m just saying, the space road-trip life is going to get old fast. Din might have that smooth gravelly metallic voice, but the man never talks to hear it. You’ll have to deduce an entire conversation from the slight twitch of his helmet. And I bet his spaceship doesn’t even have a radio! Get ready for long trips in silence.

Baby Yoda is a plus, but does he make up for getting chased by giant ice spiders when the ship crash-lands in their nest?

This is not me trying to scare you away from my space boyfriend. I’m just saying you can do better. You deserve better!

Do I even need to explain why? Well, here’s one place to start. Lord Farquaad could have been our Short King, but no. His insecurity gets in the way of everything. (We’re not even going to touch the creepy way you know he would stare at photos of you before going to bed.)

Find a man with confidence, no matter his appearance.

We’re bundling these Good Omens guys together because they have the same flaw: They will lose your baby. If that’s not a dealbreaker, I don’t know what is!

But Natalie! You might be thinking. There is a vast gulf of difference between going on dates with a boyfriend and starting a family.

Well, all right. But be warned, any time you go on a date with one of them, you’ll really be on a date with both of them.

Get tea with Aziraphale and Crowley will be around the corner turning it cold. Go drag-racing with Crowley and Aziraphale will let all the air out of your tires so no one can get hurt (is the excuse he’ll give when you spot him hiding terribly behind some trash can).

But maybe a throuple is your thing. Then go wild! But just know you’ll be dealing with all Crowley’s fly-ridden demon cousins and Aziraphale’s stick-in-the-mud angel buddies. For all of eternity.

I mean, on the one hand, it’s probably pretty cold in the atmosphere. So flying around with Lee Scoresby and Hester could lead to a lot of moments where the wind starts to blow and you start to shiver. And you could say something like, oh, it’s pretty cold. And Lee could wrap you up in his coat and take both your hands in his broad palms, Hester leaning her warm weight on your thick boots.

And you could look deep in each other’s eyes while the sun sets over the mountain-skirted ocean behind you, your glances saying more than words ever could...

But. I think the romance of floating around in a giant hot air balloon will get old the second either of you has to go to the bathroom.

The Pendragon Series

By D.J. MacHale

Get ready to have the worst long-distance relationship ever. Oh at first, it’ll seem perfect. Bobby’s the sweetest guy, he’s pretty funny, and he’s the star basketball player! You just got your fantasy Troy Bolton!

But then without warning, he’ll ghost you. And you’ll start getting mysterious books inscribed to you about all Bobby’s interdimensional travels fighting evil, and you’ll think it’s okay again. But not once—not once!—will he ask how you’re holding up.

And when Bobby gets back to Earth on brief visits, how can you even go on dates? You’ll just get chased by quigs, those yellow-eyed demon spawn dogs that have it out for him.

All you’ll get to do is send him clothes and snacks through the flumes like a mom sending her son care packages, which is not a loving reciprocal relationship.

To be fair to Bobby, he is waging an interdimensional existential fight for the balance of good and evil. But say it with me now: a quest does not make someone boyfriend material.

This guy will never put a ring on it.

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief

By Rick Riordan

Partially, Zeus would be an awful boyfriend because he’s the king of the Greek gods and not used to anyone telling him no. Good luck picking out any of your date locations!

But mostly, Zeus would be an awful boyfriend because he has his whole wife, Hera. So not only would this guy be two-timing both of you, but also you’d have to deal with Hera’s wrath.

Maybe you can girl-power your way to join forces with Hera and overthrow Zeus from his throne. But then that’ll just invite a huge power vacuum, and you’ll get all the demigod kids mixed up in it, and it’s just not worth the drama of going down in history as the mortal that caused the next world war.

Helen of Troy had it bad enough.

I don’t want to undersell Mr. Tumnus’ sweet qualities, like his cute red scarf or his dashing little horns. And he can cook and make tea and play beautiful music. This guy could fulfill your cottagecore dreams!

But he did try to sell a little girl to Narnia’s cruel tyrant. Cowardice does not look good on a man. Child-selling looks even worse.

worst-fantasy-boyfriends_kludd_guardians-of-gahoole

Let’s just forget for a second that this guy’s an owl. We could forget that Mr. Tumnus is a satyr, so an owl shouldn’t be a dealbreaker, either.

What is a dealbreaker is that Kludd is part of a murderous cult. Not only that, but the person he tries to murder is his own little baby brother, Soren. And then the murder attempt fails! So not only is he fratricidal, but also he’s not good at it.

This dude doesn’t even go big or go home, he just stays home. Let that be a lesson for how much effort he would put into your Valentine’s Day plans.